Dandelion wishes

" I always wanted a happy ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." ~ Gilda Radner

The night before I go back to work is always really hard for me. There are always tears, tissue, and Tylenol. It started a little over 4 years ago, right after I had Perry. I really felt like I needed to stay home with my kids, and I begged, pleaded, and cried to Trey and God about this desire for months. The answer was a flat-out “No.” I couldn’t understand how the answer could be no when I wanted it so much. I was so mad, so frustrated, so disappointed, and so confused.

 

This desire wasn’t there when Heath was a newborn, probably a result of my naivety. I had heard everyone say how quickly time passes, how you blink and they’re grown, but as a 24 year old new mom, I just didn’t get it. I guess “getting it” is what made the desire so strong when it was round two. Everyone said when I went back to work I would get over this feeling, but I didn’t. I continued to want what I could not have, and lived daily with guilt and grief for the life that wasn’t mine.

 

Time has helped me find contentment with my circumstances and my journey, but it still hits me sometimes, especially after a break from daycare and deadlines. I mourn a bit for the time lost. I look wistfully at the moms that can do field trips, school parties, and carpool. I worry that my job takes me from the kids during both our days and nights, as I spend many evenings doing laundry, bills, and errands. I wonder if the lack of faith for provision is holding us back from some of the blessings of life.

 

Last night was no different. I cried and cried without knowing exactly why, as going back to work is nothing new to me. I was exasperating and illogical to a man that has heard this song so many times. I had trouble finding sleep, knowing that today there would be no time for the dandelion wishes of a life that wasn’t meant to be mine.

 

And today I’m okay, although tired, swollen eyes accompanied me through this first day. I am grateful for my job and its provisions. I am lucky that there are built in stay at home days, extended holidays, and moments to just be their mom in this profession that continues to bless me. Maybe sometimes you can see more clearly through swollen eyes…

Comments

[Nicole]

This year has been really hard for me too. I have several friends that stay at home with their kids. I love my kids at school, but nothing comes before Brody. I pleaded and pleaded and too I was told no. But I just had an amazing two weeks with him and look forward to MLK! I can only hope it gets easier the older he gets.

[KStorm]

I think you are right about the first child being sort of a blur...you don't notice how fast they grow. But the second one you just want to slow down the maturing process a bit. You are a great mom, wherever you are.

[alison ainsworth]

Oh, my word girl. As I have posted before, I feel the same way. I now have a job though I can do feild trips, class parties and go read to Mamie's class. I feel this way every day that goes by. Kyle has heard this song and dance many, many times. Anyway, I am right there with you sister.

[Anne]

it's so funny how God works in each of us and leads us to do different things. just yesterday, i was so frustrated and upset because i felt completely worthless at home. i felt like i could contribute more to my family if i worked. i felt like i gave NOTHING to the world around me. it was depressing.

but then, there's the other side...and you shared a view that i'm not familiar with. it really helped me to read this and see another perspective. i don't think one is ever better than the other. i think we do what God wants us to do, following by faith where he leads.

great post. thanks.

[Christy]

I know you may not want to hear from me because I am that mom in the carpool line, but I have been there. I was told no. I know what it is like to covet what others have and to be honest, I would get SO MAD when I heard them complain about anything because I felt like they didn't appreciate what they had.
When I was looking for a full time job this summer, I spent many of the kids' naps lying beside them, Bible in hand, praying and crying my eyes out. Even though I had been working, I knew going back to teaching would be much more demanding of my time and that I may or may not be happy, especially if I was teaching a grade I didn't want to teach. I knew that even if God knew the deepest desires of my heart, they still might not be what He wanted. But so knew he would bless our lives if I did what He wanted.
You never know what His plan will be. I never thought I would be able to stay at home, never thought it was possible, but God continues to show me through my times of doubt, that I am where He wants me. As I read your post, I couldn't help but grieve for you. I love you, girl and I am so thankful that there are strong, Christian women like yourself out there making things better for my children. God will continue to bless you as you do His good, pleasing and perfect will.

[Kelly Waldrop]

I feel your pain so many days. With my job, I am blessed because I can do parties and field trips, but I want so badly to be there with them when school is over so that we aren't doing homework at 7:00 and we have time to play and let them be children at night instead of only on the weekends. It's so hard being a parent and trying to balance it all, but I do thank God that he has blessed me with a job that I love and that is flexible for my children. But, Maddie still tells me at least once a week that she wishes I was a teacher like her friend's moms so that she could be a teacher's child. :)